i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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