The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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