my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
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