Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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