I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
