Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
