i jhust puked up my retainher.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
