and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
