Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
