Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
