I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
