Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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