if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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