I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
