Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
