I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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