This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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