Even the bartender felt bad for me
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
