Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Randomize
