Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
