I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
