I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize