The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
