Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
