Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
