If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
