i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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