I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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