Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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