My sheets look like a crime scene.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
