u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
