dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
