Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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