Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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