So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
