So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
