She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
We need to rekindle our bromance
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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