i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
