mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Randomize
