Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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