There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
