Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
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