Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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