I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
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