The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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