R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
