Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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