Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
