One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
