you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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