i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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