tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
