hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize