How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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