he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
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