i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize