So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
