My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
