the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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